Let me introduce myself, my name is Cynthia alot of people call me Cynderelli or Cynderella. I spell it with a Cyn instead of Cin to make it more unique kind of like myself, far from the usual. I am a mother of 3 beautiful boys, one of which is an Angel I lost him 3 years ago to a tragic accident but we will get to that later. My oldest son is 9 and my baby is 22 month....lets just say SURPRISE!! when it comes to the baby! LOL.. I am a Radiologic technologist by trade (fancy name for xray tech) and love what I do. But I am looking for more, something new, something fresh, something life changing. And this is where my blogging adventure begins.
I'm new to this "blogging" but I have a lot to say, and usually get postive feed back so why not give it a try?!
Life has taken me thru many ups and downs, forcing me to be stronger than the average person. I say forcing because I dont think you choose how strong you are or how well you cope, you just learn as you go along. I firmly believe you dont know how strong you are until you have no choice but to be strong. This has gotten me a long way, I have learned strengths that I had no idea I had until I had no other choice. Life has taken me on many journeys, some of which I didnt want at the time but I made it through. I am still standing after it all and I can say I'm proud of the person I have become from the lessons I have learned through my journeys.
Life for me started at an early age 17 to be exact. I was a rebel kid, I dont really know why but I was. Kicked out of high school by junior year, this lead me to my first journey; Harlingen, Texas. My parents were hard working middle class people, we lived well I actually had a good childhood I can honestly look back and say I dont know where I went wrong. Some where along the line they lost me, and I dont know how. I had so many problems with girls in the neighbor hood and getting into trouble, they sent me to live with my exteneded family in Texas. The first few months I was devestated, but I appreciated the change. I needed that change in my life, did well in school got all my credits and graduated on time. Not on stage but still on time! I couldnt wait to come back to Home Sweet Home Chicago, I was a big city girl living in a small Texas town and it just wasnt for me. As expected when I got back to Chicago, there was nothing here for me I was done with high school and college just wasnt for me.
With all this free time on my hands it led me to my second journey, my first son Erick. I was pregnant within a year of coming back to Chicago. Pregnancy changed my life, it pushed me to do better to want more for myself and the best for him. His dad was not really around so in my mind I new I was on my own. I enrolled in community college for Pharmacy pre requisites, after becoming a certified Pharmacy tech I realized $9.00 an hour job wasnt going to cut it for me and a new baby and being in school for 7 years as a single mom was just not realistic at the time. I heard about the radiology program, only 2 years school location was close to home and tuition was cheap. I took the test when I was 8 months pregnant, I got accepted! I was estatic it was hope for me and Erick, he was exactly 3 weeks old when I was forced with the decision to take a year off and be with my new born or accept my parents help to raise him while I focused on school the next 2 years. It was hard leaving a new born at home, but I knew in my mind it was the right decision for us.
During the radiology progam I started my next journey, LOVE. I met who I thought was the "love of my life." Life was good, I was in school full time, working part time at the casino valet making extra cash to get by and I was only 19, cant really complain the plan was working out. Then when Erick was about 15months old I started dating again, I met a guy lets just call him Steve*. I thought he was perfect for us! Life was good, graduated college and I was in love...Erick was exactly 2 when I graduated and next to my children being born graduation was one of my proudest days!
As time went by problems came up that I never thought I would deal with, but they were very real. Cheating, lying, lonliness, heart ache and then the ultimate I was pregnant again! There I was 22 years old, single mom one year out of college rocky relationship trying to get my career on track and PREGNANT....How could I let this happen? What was I thinking?! Me and Steves* relationship was coming to an end I just wanted to get far, far away and start all over but at that point it was impossible. With 2 kids and me being on my own it just wasnt an option. I had just started a new job, a really good job. I stuck it out I worked my butt off, pregnant and all it never stopped me from doing overtime to support me and my babies. Steve* was never really around during my pregnancy, in fact I think he was actually with someone else! But I try to forget about that mess. I worked and worked and worked to build a safety net for me and the kids, so that even if their dads couldnt give to them I ALWAYS could.
Julian was my next journey, he was born June 23, 2005 and this is when my life took a turn for the worst! I always in my heart felt no one wanted him but me. My parents were not happy about my second pregnancy, me and his father were pretty much done during his pregnancy and his family wasnt happy either. But I wanted him, I knew I was an adult and HAD to take responsibility for my actions and I did. I always tell any pregnant woman, Always be prepared to be a single mother! I dont care how in love you are when you get pregnant how perfect your relationship is you NEVER KNOW! One day you could land up by yourself, accidents happen relationships end, life happens! Julian was born perfectly normal, life was hard after he was born but some how I found that strength I never knew I had and I managed. At 5 weeks he had a full blown seizure! It was shocking! I had no idea, even working in the medical field I it shocked me he was born normal where was all this coming from? And this is where my long road began, in and out of hopsitals still trying to keep a full time job now with 2 kids and I was alone. Again his dad came and went was in another relationship at the same time and I was fighting to keep Julian alive and well while working and still being a mom to Erick, it was SO hard. So many long sleepless nights, working in the same hospital I was practiaclly living in with the baby. I was tired and heart broken but I stood by his side, I never left I fought for him.
At 5 months everyday was a struggle with Julian, he was sick very sick. He had a feeding tube, was having seizures regularly in and out of hospitals here, Wisconsin, Ohio where ever I could take him to get better.My mom was my biggest blessing at that time, during all this she was a mom to Erick when I couldnt be and helped with Julian anytime she could. I might not have made it with out her throughout all this. Me and his dad decided to try to make things work, it was so hard to be alone going thru everything with Julian. One day in the ER me and Steve* had one of our usual blow out fights, he was trying to bring his new girlfriend to the hospital to visit our sick son. A doctor sat us both down and said, "your baby is sick, very very sick and he needs his PARENTS working together not against each other." And it made so much sense, it was like a slap in the face because she was more than right! From this point on we tried, maybe not for us but at least for him. I hated Steve*, but I loved him blindly. With Julian we had a bond that we could never share with anyone else, no one else would ever understand.
This struggle continued for 2 more years, on October 13, 2007 Friday the 13th it was like he was all better. I remember this day like it was yesterday! He had surgery that day for his eating disorder called Achalasia and it was like he was cured. On the day known for bad luck he went thru a 6 hour never wrecking surgery on his eshopogus and made it out, healed well and most importantly he was WELL! It was something like a miracle, his seizures stopped he could eat food no more feeding tube he was pretty much a normal kid again.
We started life again after this, we tried we were a family. It was like yours, mine and ours! His son, my son and our son. Things were good again, I really thought we were going to make as a family. Janurary 2008, I turned 25! Yes thru all this I was only 25, but I was unhappy I wasnt in a place in life where I felt I should be. I owned a house, had a luxury SUV, my kids were finally well I had a great job you would think I had it all right?? But I wasnt married, and I wanted to be! It made me feel incomplete, like I was missing something, I always lied and said I didnt want to ever get married but secretly it was what I really wanted. I wasnt even engaged NO ring at all. After everything, I felt I had proved myself as a woman, why couldnt he make me his? What was I doing wrong? Why wasnt he ready and I was?? This gave me HUGE insecurities, HUGE! I knew in my heart I loved him no matter what, I loved what we had; our Family so I knew I never would go any where but I was missing something. I kept going, I kept working like crazy as usual I was known for this, I missed holidays for my first 5 years out of college! I loved working, it took me away from my reality. Not to mention my checks were ridiculous! At one point I had 3 jobs, I missed out on alot in life cause I was always at work.
My next journey began August 9,2008 little did I know this day would change my life FOREVER. I remember going to work that Saturday morning, and everything was fine. I was a little tire because I had went out the night before to have a drink with my best friend for graduation, I wasnt going to make her party the next day becuase of work. I was working my regular 9am-9pm, those days were so long sometimes, but it was just like any other day.My sister had taken my boys to my best friends graduation party, and me or Steve* was to pick them up when I got out of work or when he got out of school which ever happend first. I went to lunch at 4 came back at 5 and about 6:15 I got the call, the dreaded call, screaming in the phone ambulance in the back ground I knew it was for me. I dont know how I knew but I knew the call was for me and it was bad, really bad. I picked up the phone and it was like torture, screaming chaos and I just heard the name Julian and I knew he was gone. Ripped from me at that very second, I knew it in my heart I didnt even hear what happened I just heard screaming and the words accident and Julian. I hung up the phone looked at my co worker and said hes gone I know he is. At the time I worked at a Level 1 trauama hospital, heres where it gets worse. The trauma pager went off, Julian was the trauma. They brought him to my hopsital, my job, my career, the place I spent 60% of my life on a weekly basis, and this is where he died. I remember them bringing him in I just wanted to see him, to feel him one last time before he took his last breath and thats exactly what I got one last breath....and he was gone. There was nothing they could do for him, he was too damaged internally. The hardest part was like always on the outside he looked fine, it was the inside that was damaged. I was so in shock, it was like an eerily calm feeling that came over me, like I was prepared for this day but couldnt understand why or how. I sat out side the door of the trauma room and the doctor said "we tried but there was nothing we could do." I remember telling him, you dont understand I fought for him to be alive, I wanted him when no one else did, and just like that when I wasnt there to help him he was taken from me.
My next journey was Grief. The feeling of loss is undescribeable in situations like these, where do you start how do you move one? How do you live life with such a huge part missing?? Someone please tell me how! I didnt understand, it was the first time I felt so helpless I had no control what so ever of how I felt. I heard many versions of the accident, but none made sense nothing could justify or change what happened. The one thing I did know that wasnt right and can never be made right in my mind was the driver of the car that killed my son was 17 years old no drivers lisence no insurance and he walked away being unpunished.
There I was a greiveing mother, that is the worst way to describe any mother. I learned a new strength, a strength I dont think anyone ever knows they have until they are forced to deal with such tragedy. My battle witht the loss of my son was more than a mother losing her son. It was a battle that I had fought for years
before I lost him so senselessly. I had fought for years, he had made me the strong independant woman I had become, getting him well was my own personal acccomplishment. And then just like that I lost him, he was gone forever. With him I lost a huge part of myself, I lost my job, I lost my mind, I lost a part of my heart. It made it extremly difficult to be a mother again! How do you live when such a huge part of your life is gone? No one could explain this, and it wasnt just about getting over his death it was about learning to live again with out him. I dont think anyone ever gets over something like this, you just learn amazing coping skills. And as much as you just want the world to stop so you can just sit and cry for just one day it dosent! You HAVE to keep going, HAVE to you have no choice. The first thing people say when they hear part of my story is WOW! I would have gone crazy how did you do it?? Hello!! I did! Its not normal to weigh 100lbs when your a 25 year old grown woman that has had 2 kids. I couldnt eat I couldnt sleep, I was put in a hospital for weeks because I wouldnt even talk, I couldnt get the words out.A nervous break down from working at the same place I lost my baby at caused me to lose my job. There wasnt enough xanex or anti depressants or therapy in the world to keep me sane at that place. It was like living the same night mare over and over. Life sadly went on, because I learned I couldnt stop it. But it was never the same, I am so different it changed me so much.
Loss is no longer something I fear. I have suffered the ULTIMATE loss, anything from there on that I lost didnt hurt anymore. You become numb to pain, you realize nothing could possibly hurt as bad as what I had already been through. I would break down randomly,on days I thought were my best they turned into my worst instantly and uncontrolably. I felt so disconnected from everyone, NO one understood, no one had any idea but everyone thinks they do. I had to accept that people dont think when the speak, that not everyone was against me they were just at a loss for words and the stupid comments they made were just a result of diarrhea of the mouth. You have nothing to say yet you are so compelled to speak. I totally shut down, I couldnt speak to anyone because I really didnt want to hear what they had to say. This lasted about a year, then I went into the I dont care mode, I could care less about anything or anyone. Sometimes I feel like that will never go away, other than my 2 boys no one else really matters any more.
Me and Steve* stuck it out and stood together but it was hard very hard. I was a greiving mother but I was still a woman, and I realized I was a very unhappy woman. He finally proposed to me, it took 5 years and the loss of a child to get a ring but it happened. And I thought thats what I wanted. Soon after I became pregnant again, it was a surprise and I was depressed about it. I love my son now with all my heart but at the time I dont know if I was mentally ready for him. My pregnancy was so difficult, and I was so scared. Julian was my baby in my heart and in my mind I was done. I rememebr having night mares that he was upset with me for having another baby.
When Elias was born, he was what we needed he brought life back into our home, people were happy for us and we were moving forward. But my mind was some where else, I was miserable I had lost my job which I thought was my career, we were barely making it financially and I felt like I resented Steve* for some reason. Once again I was back in a place where on the out side looking in life was good but on the inside I was miserable. After having Elias, I felt like even after all these years me and Steve* had together, I was alone again. It was flash backs of having Julian again. Elias was born well and healthy, thank God but me and Steve* were still just so distant, we didnt have emotional connection anymore it just wasnt there. Maybe we were together for all the wrong reasons, who knows I'll never know all I know was I wanted out. After almost eight years I was done and over our relationship. When Elias was 8 months I asked him to leave, I was done with "us" he took his ring back and he was gone.
Here I go again, single mother of 2 no child support not even weekend visits with him nothing. But it was fine I had done this before, like always I just keep on going. After about 3 months of no contact with Steve* he started to come around, and like always I contimplated on going back to him. But this time was different, it was over and we both knew it. And this is where my next journey of a single mother of 2 begins, but this journey is differnet because as I stated earlier I am different, I have changed in so many ways since all of this has happened.
